We paused as we arrived at her place to continue the interview. Before going back to the interview, we engaged in a conversation about the creative process, on her balcony while sipping on wine.
Letting go and letting the creativity take over. And from there, I was able to continue.
Going back to the creative process… Cocktales With LA. I’m trying to understand the concept. What brought that idea to you? What were the circumstances that led you to create your platform?
I was with my ex-husband for 16 years. I didn’t know what Tinder was. I didn’t know that you could make out with a guy on the 2nd date and they thought chocking was an appropriate way of exploring sexuality on the 2nd date. And I was like, “Motherfucker, I don’t know if you’re going to kill me because I don’t actually know you.”
We laughed. She continued,
Dating became this pool of scariness. The deep dark ocean kind of scariness. I mean, I love the water. I’m willing to go in it, but I deathly afraid of what’s under there. It’s like that.
We laughed again.
I see what you mean. There’s sharks there…
But people still go scuba diving because it’s beautiful especially when you can look for the beauty. When you look the beauty, you’ll find it. That’s kind of how my life has been. No matter how dark or deep it can get, there’s still beauty to see. Even in Nemo. One of my favorite parts is when they go down to the parts of the ocean that were scary for them. He did it because he had to find his son. The outcome was more important than not going through the process.
The fear was not…
The faith was bigger than the fear.
Yeah! Like Meek Mill would say, “Scared money makes no money.”
It’s true. Scared money doesn’t make money.
Yeah and I remembered my cousin visiting from France. I mentioned to him how I was scared to go Colombia and he challenged me on that. I told him that I was afraid because of the drug trafficking and kidnappings. And he asked if I planned to go to Colombia for drugs and that brought it all back to perspective for me. Why would you fear something that has nothing to do with you?
Unless… Unless there’s a part of you that is attracted to the idea of being seduced into something because you’re an adventurous person and because of that, it will lead into the projection you and therefore the fear is not unreasonable.
Yeah, nah! Not to that extreme. My brother went to Colombia and he was riding around in a moped outside of his resort. And he even was stopped by the cops, but there was no fear though.
Yeah, there’s fear and doubt, even in faith. The key is for your faith to be bigger than your doubts. It’s to be more courageous than faithful. Spiritual bumper sticker. If it was just what I’m saying it is, more people would be able to do it. So there’s something that is incongruent that is preventing us from living our flow of life. And I am at a stage in my development that is revealing that quite possibly, it’s because I’ve been out of alignment with my spiritual side. I’m not reflecting the I Am. And that is the kind of thought that slapped me out of unconsciousness or amnesia or maybe it was a trigger to remember.
I like Amnesia.
And that’s not from me. I used to go to a meetup called Toronto IC. There’s was pastor Q Wilson and one of the things that stood up to me was that he came in with a conversation about amnesia and that God’s people had amnesia after the fall. So it was at that moment that they forgot who God was. Even when you can sit somewhere and tell yourself that you’re happy with your life, you always find yourself at a crossroad. And that’s why He said he’ll meet us at the crossroad because that’s where you’ll decide whether you’ll choose Him or something because choice is an act of love.
I totally understand.
Creating Cocktales With LA was a narcissistic and selfish thing for me to do, but if I didn’t do it, I probably wouldn’t be here. I fell into some real fucking dark places. If I could spend 24 hours without feeling shit about myself, that was considered a huge accomplishment. I felt better in November when I read parts of my diary at an event that were uncomfortable. It was for me to heal, but in my understanding of wanting to heal, I knew it was going to heal others. Where was I?
You were talking about the creation of Cocktales With LA.
Yeah, so after 16 years in my relationship, a little while after when you start dating… Really, I had no business dating, but you get lonely. I remember meeting this guy at a wedding and he took me to lunch. And I asked him why he didn’t marry the mother of his children. And he screwed up his face and asked me, “What makes you think I’m not married?”
WHAT?
We both laughed.
I said that we were together on a date and he said, “It’s 2018, LA. Get with it!”
It’s 2020 (at the time) and I had no idea.
I’ll never forget that.
Wow! I’m noticing that everybody is sort of like building their script in their head and expecting everybody to following with a script they didn’t share. And when people go off scripts doing things that they didn’t anticipate…
That’s what that is. Fuck up in communication.
Basically, you started experiencing spirituality at a young age?
Yeah! I didn’t understand and I made errors. Terrible errors. They weren’t necessarily spiritual errors. Where I could hear, I always try to be obedient to it so He knows that I could be used. This is why I’m still alive. And in a sense, I had to die to the person who to die anyway and in a sense, I have been resurrected. And that’s why I always say that I can be a sex addict and a Christian. And I’m fucking with the Christians because they’re so uptight.
Exactly, because your job is not to judge!
It’s to be bear witness not judgement. And that’s what my story telling does. That’s what Cocktales does. I don’t have any say when you watch the show. We’re just bearing witness to one another. It’s cathartic. It reconciles a part of you, even if it’s momentarily.
What were some of the ups and down? I understand that when you get to through up and downs for the show, you learn from them.
My mistakes were always there. Each mistakes pushed me to the next one.
And from there, we continued talking for 2 more hours engaging in various topics outside of this interview. But at the end of it all, I could honestly say that I had a Cocktale with LA.
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